Right Relationships

 

Today's topic is courtesy of bible plans that keep bringing up relationships and the power they have over our lives. 

Growing up, I heard the phrase " Show me your friend, and I will tell you who you are". This phrase was specially equipped to keep me away from people whom society had deemed unfruitful mostly, based on their physical appearance but do these factors tell you all that you need to know about a person?

The idea that physical appearance could tell you all you needed to know about a person was deftly ingrained in me for a sizable period in my life until when I got to high school where I was opportune to meet several people from very diverse backgrounds. It was at this point the schema, I had created for myself in terms of choosing friends fell flat. I met people whose outward appearance exuded humility but their person was in no way humble, likewise I met people who some might consider uncouth yet they had they had a great amount of warmth around them. It was at this point, I recognized that one's outward appearance was deceptive but their character was not. 

This speaks to one of my favorite story in the bible of Abraham leaving his home to a land "God will show him" - Genesis 12:1. First off, I read the bible like I was physically there and this part of the bible made me wonder what will make me leave my home (A place of security) to an unknown place just because I was told to and each time my answer is "SOMETHING EXCEPTIONAL". So, I believe that the only reason why Abraham was willing to take this step was because he knew the character of God especially since he had never seen Him physically. 

Therefore, I encourage you to look beyond the surface and engage with substance (Character) before deciding to build a relationship. Does this mean that the phrase " Show me your friend and i will tell you who you are" does not hold, definitely not, it just means that when choosing our relationships we must ensure to choose the right ones not based on something as fickle as appearance. 

Now let us assume you already knew all these do you know that right relationships goes beyond having the right people in your corner it also means treating others right. So, just as you are choosing your relationships based on people's character, they also have to decide if they want to be in any form of relationship with you based on your character. 

Ask yourself if I was 'X' will I choose myself as a friend/business partner/spouse/colleague/leader?

If your answer is no, then you gotta BE BETTER  

Till we meet again, I drop my pen back in the basket of love {This brings back so much memory}

Different Love

 

Whenever the story of my migration to the United States comes up, the most common question that I get asked is "How did you cope with the culture shock" and my reply always revolves around the same narrative; I never realized I was black until I got to the United States. 

I went to a government highschool boarding house in Lagos, Nigeria so I knew all about being different, not being Miss popular, being the tomboy, and trying to get good grades in a class of over 100 students but even in the midst of all this, I was still seen as an individual, a unique entity, a being with a name. 

All of this was lost in the US, I no longer represented myself rather I now represented a race and an entire continent. My actions and achievements were seen only from the lens of my skin color first and then my continent, sometimes my country but never as myself. 

This realization, although harsh at first never less became my daily reality and to date, I am still astounded by the segregation that something as simple as my skin color can cause. Astounded, yes but not shocked. Segregation no matter how we try to refurbish and make it look new has always been alive ever since the days of old. The Jews in the biblical days segregated themselves from the Gentiles just because they were not circumcised and when Christ declared that He had come for the Jews and Gentiles alike, it shocked many Jewish leaders that they said within themselves "This guy must not be the real deal". Moving forward in time and to my country, segregation is not based on your skin color but based on all other things like your finances, or even your religion. 

Since segregation seems to be as old as time, does this mean it is right and can never be eradicated? It might seem so with the way a lot of us push the "We against them narrative" but a thing to note is that segregation is not a natural occurrence, rather it is a man-made influence, one that comes to life the moment we say " They are different from us and should therefore not enjoy what we have access to" 

What can I do you ask, I am just one Man/Woman/Child? Well, I do not expect you to march on the Capitol as it so happened on the 6th of January rather I want you to recognize that it begins with your heart, it begins once you see all as worthy of your love ❤️ and once you choose to no longer be afraid. Behind every story of segregation is not power but rather fear. So what are you afraid of?

I know this might seem I am just trying to be ignorant of the suffering that segregation causes on those determined to be the minority but I am not. There are several days that I fear for the life of my unborn black kids. I know that freedom is a war that must be fought for but I also realize that we choose how that war will be fought, do we fight it with the same fear that began it all, or do we fight it with love? Love teaches us that "Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly" -Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Love teaches us acceptance.

In this year 2021, Let us try to step out in love for all especially for those we regard as different. When the bible said "Love thy neighbor as yourself" it did not specify who your neighbor was. They could be the enemy, yet it calls us to love them. 

In the famous words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. 

"Darkness CANNOT drive out darkness; only light can do that 

   Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that ".

A Healthy Relationship with You

Hi Fam and welcome to the family new readers.

I am 100% sure that we have all heard the phrase " Love Yourself" at least once since we started this journey called LIFE (As a scientist I will work with 92% 😉) and for some of us we mentally or outrightly said, " I do love myself so this does not apply". I was also that person 🙄 and it was not until I evaluated what love truly meant that I realized there were things I needed to work on. 

So, what does love truly mean? Well according to the Bible (Yes that's always a reference point 😎)

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:4-7

I had read the verse many times and each time I was always projecting it on how people should love me, not for once did I think that this was also how I should love me. It was not until I heard someone say "Our relationships are a reflection of our relationship with ourselves" WOW!!. That was the first time that the table had been turned for me and also when I realized that I was not loving myself. I was always impatient with myself although I willingly extended patience to others, I kept a record of all my wrongs and never pulled a punch when it came to guilt-tripping myself, you get where I am going right?

Let me tell you this, one of the most important and resourceful relationships you can ever have is the relationship with self. This relationship lays the groundwork for every other relationship in your life, it sets the pace of how you will allow yourself to be treated by others. For example, I was impatient with myself therefore I was never upset when others were impatient with me.

A healthy relationship with yourself goes beyond taking physical care of yourself [spa dates, movie dates, or travel experience], it is truly looking within and becoming aware of ways you can improve your self-relationship and most importantly learning to accept all of you.

Take a moment and evaluate all the points I have made and truthfully answer this question "Do I Love Myself?" 

Till we meet again, do keep this quote in mind from one of my favorite Duchess (can I still call her that 🤔 )

"We just need to be kinder to ourselves. 

If we treated ourselves the way we treated our best friend,

can you imagine how much better off we would be?..." 

-Meghan Markle 

2020 A NEW DECADE

                                                               (Kettley, 2019)

Hi Guys and happy new year, I am so glad to be back here most importantly I am very grateful to God that I made it to the new decade. I'll let you in on a little secret though; 2020 is the scariest thing that has happened to me 😱. I know I know the year just kicked off, but I really needed to get it out there that I am scared, and I am frantically worried. Why you might ask? Well, this whole new decade stuff has me scared of the unknown. Over the past few weeks, I have been panning over the what if's in my life, making backup plans for my back up plans there were times I have considered moving to Dubai and settling with a Sheikh 😂!! For some of us, the rave of the new decade has us discouraged because when we take stock of the past decade it seems like we have not done enough, Vision 2020 does not look as clear as it should be and because we are discouraged, a lot of us have chosen not to make any plans for the next decade because why bother? Right. We all prefer to go with the flow than getting disappointed all over again because our plans fail. Yet, not all of our discouragement comes from failed plans some are a result of comparison. The 21st century has brought forth so many innovations one being social media. As great as it is that we are privileged to keep up with friends and families, it equally exposes us to the “Perfect life” and it is this life we compare ours to daily. As we begin this decade, we will see many people update us on how the past decade has been nothing more than rosy for them and we might have that twinge of "that should be me/ why is that not me". So in this new decade, rather than wallow in my past failures and delays, or that "Perfect" life the world keeps shoving down my throat, I choose to change my perception and for me to successfully do this, I must write down my goals and evaluate because a lot of times the goal is valid, we just need a new approach. Am I still scared about what 2020 holds, YESSSS, but am I going to throw in the towel and just go with the flow, NO. I employ you to also not give up no matter how scared you are, no matter how many times you have tried and failed. I charge you to go into the new year with your goals in plain sight and a plan to navigate through and most importantly with God right at the forefront. 

 "Even though I was through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You (God) are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me" - Psalms 23:4

So my avid readers, I employ you to look forward to reading more posts in this new year and they will include a lot of shedding 🙈

Imposter Syndrome

Impostor Syndrome is a pervasive feeling of self-doubt, insecurity, or fraudulence despite often overwhelming evidence to the contrary (Ellen Hendriksen, 2015)
How many people experience imposter syndrome, well more than you can imagine. It is a feeling I have come to realize tends to increase the more successful you become especially if you are increasing in the ranks in an environment where you are considered different e.g. a young black woman in a field that caters to men predominantly. 
Over the past few years, I can say that with every achievement I have experienced there has always been the question at the back of my mind whispering " Am I good enough" or "was it just luck" and this question always seemed to answer itself whenever I had what I considered a failure. I have struggled with this feeling more in the past few months, being surrounded by so many brilliant people that most times I just feel like the dumbest person in the room and I constantly doubt if I can survive in this field despite continuous praise and reassurance from those around me. This feeling of inadequacy made me feel like a fraud 🙇. 

"The feeling of just not being enough "

This has led me to study more about the imposter syndrome and I have come to realize that so many people face this as it does not discriminate although minorities and women are the hardest-hit ( 😳 well, I am both).
I'll give a quick example of this. About a month ago I was scheduled to present at a lab meeting and I was so hyped at first but as the day came closer I went into panic mode thinking to myself that I was about to completely disgrace my whole generations past and future 🙆, I thought of calling out that I was sick but then my goody two shoes self decided against that and I spent the next week preparing like I was going to war. On the day of the presentation, I realized it was too late to be sick and had no choice but to forge ahead. I went into the conference room, gave my presentation and decided that I had just disgraced my whole generation until each person in the room began to validate my presentation. Funny thing is that even with all the positive reviews I still felt like they were all just patronizing me.
Well if you felt this post was to provide you with a cure, sorry to disappoint as I am still actively searching for one. Instead this post is to let you know that you are definitely not alone in this and I believe we need to start taking it easy on ourselves as in reality no one really has it all together. 
Leave a comment of the last time you felt this way, or how you have been able to overcome this feeling. I look forward to hearing back.

Song of the Month 😀:  So will I (Hillsong Worship)
https://youtu.be/GfVd5x9W1Xc