Deep breath
I took so many of those before I was able
to gather the courage to actually listen and put myself out here like this. If I
was to use just one word to describe 2019, I would tag it ‘Healing’ but that
process did not truly begin till the end of the year.
What is she rambling about again?
This past week, I saw a post talking about
how a lot of people jump from one relationship to another without taking the time
to heal thus leaving a trail of hurt people. Well, I was one of those people.
You know how you get into a relationship
and you can already imagine yourself spending forever with that person (house,
kids, family trips all included) that was me. I was with this great person and
I was so ready to get hitched until my whole world came crashing down when it ended in the craziest way imaginable.
I remember not being able to sleep for a
whole week, taking on as many projects as I could, crying in the shower every
time a memory popped up. People, it was bad and I could not recognize myself anymore. I became a shell of myself although to everyone else I was healing, I
really was just trying to forget the pain.
A few months passed and I
met someone else, but this time around I was on my guard. He tried to give all
but no matter how hard I tried a tiny bit of me was always holding back and
although that relationship was not meant to be, my epiphany occurred when it ended.
After I got out of that relationship,
rather than feeling hurt that this new relationship ended I found myself
still pinning over my old relationship and feeling hurt and it was at that point I realized how hurt and broken I was; Nope my healing journey did not begin there.
Instead I worked so hard to seem normal, partied hard, worked harder and prayed less because each time I did God reminded me of the healing I so desperately needed.
This went on for a longtime until God pulled me into a situation that required me to pray and damn did he do a 360 degree turn around with me.
The first thing that I had to deal with was disappointment. Hell yeah, I was disappointed in the guy but mostly with myself as I just could not fathom how I got into such a situation. This disappointment became a baggage that I ended up carrying to the next relationship causing me to be overly cautious and never letting myself just be in the moment. The way I viewed myself had changed and I was not helping matters by pushing it all down.
After going through so many emotions, I began to recover from the pain but this required that I let go CHAI that was another road block because how could I, a control freak, let go.
" For I know the plans and thought that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope" - Jeremiah 29:11
That was the slam dunk, here I was worrying about how things could go wrong if I let go forgetting that letting it all go and letting God was the best checkmate move I could make.
The most important thing that definitely helped me was completely focusing on my healing rather than moving from one relationship to another hoping that I will somehow be made complete by my partner.
I leave you with these words that I repeat so many times " If you do not heal from the wounds of your past, you will end up bleeding on people who never hurt you". So, reader maybe this is your sign to stop putting off your healing and to actually begin the process as this is the month of love, love yourself enough to embrace peace of mind.
