Healing

Deep breath

I took so many of those before I was able to gather the courage to actually listen and put myself out here like this. If I was to use just one word to describe 2019, I would tag it ‘Healing’ but that process did not truly begin till the end of the year.

What is she rambling about again?

This past week, I saw a post talking about how a lot of people jump from one relationship to another without taking the time to heal thus leaving a trail of hurt people. Well, I was one of those people.

You know how you get into a relationship and you can already imagine yourself spending forever with that person (house, kids, family trips all included) that was me. I was with this great person and I was so ready to get hitched until my whole world came crashing down when it ended in the craziest way imaginable.

I remember not being able to sleep for a whole week, taking on as many projects as I could, crying in the shower every time a memory popped up. People, it was bad and I could not recognize myself anymore. I became a shell of myself although to everyone else I was healing, I really was just trying to forget the pain. 

A few months passed and I met someone else, but this time around I was on my guard. He tried to give all but no matter how hard I tried a tiny bit of me was always holding back and although that relationship was not meant to be, my epiphany occurred when it ended.

After I got out of that relationship, rather than feeling hurt that this new relationship ended I found myself still pinning over my old relationship and feeling hurt and it was at that point I realized how hurt and broken I was; Nope my healing journey did not begin there. 

Instead I worked so hard to seem normal, partied hard, worked harder and prayed less because each time I did God reminded me of the healing I so desperately needed. 

This went on for a longtime until God pulled me into a situation that required me to pray and damn did he do a 360 degree turn around with me. 

The first thing that I had to deal with was disappointment. Hell yeah, I was disappointed in the guy but mostly with myself as I just could not fathom how I got into such a situation. This disappointment became a baggage that I ended up carrying to the next relationship causing me to be overly cautious and never letting myself just be in the moment. The way I viewed myself had changed and I was not helping matters by pushing it all down. 

After going through so many emotions, I began to recover from the pain but this required that I let go CHAI  that was another road block because how could I, a control freak, let go. 

" For I know the plans and thought that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope" - Jeremiah 29:11

That was the slam dunk, here I was worrying about how things could go wrong if I let go forgetting that letting it all go and letting God was the best checkmate move I could make. 

The most important thing that definitely helped me was completely focusing on my healing rather than moving from one relationship to another hoping that I will somehow be made complete by my partner. 

I leave you with these words that I repeat so many times " If you do not heal from the wounds of your past, you will end up bleeding on people who never hurt you". So, reader maybe this is your sign to stop putting off your healing and to actually begin the process as this is the month of love, love yourself enough to embrace peace of mind. 

Here Lies My Passion

So, my passion has always been traveling. Right from little, I imagined myself visiting new places for the sights and people. One event comes to mind, at the age of six, I found out my favorite teacher Miss Afolabi was going to her state [Ekiti] for a burial and guess who convinced her mum with tears to let her tag along, well MOI and I think my experience then was what let the travel bug bite me.
The sad thing is that as much as I love to travel, I have not been able to fully spread my wings and touch every continent due to various constraints such as lack of time, lack of finances, you know all that good stuff adulthood brings your way. Yet, each year I still include traveling on my to-do list.
Why? 
Because although it might not have happened yet, I strongly believe it will happen so I might as well prepare for it even if it looks like it is unrealistic NOW. 
Why am I talking about my passion for travel? Well we all have passions and just like my passion for traveling sometimes it feels invalid, so I am here to remind you that:
Your passion is valid, Let me repeat that
YOUR PASSION IS VALID
Well, traveling is not my only passion so let's try a more relatable example, shall we? Kindly take note that this is a battle, I am still working through so I don't have all the solutions but I will share what steps I have been taking. 
Anyone in my family or my circle of friends will tell you that my greatest passion in life is being a doctor not because I want the extra title but because I have seen a lot of people disappointed in the health care system and I want to be among those who will restore their faith in the system.
Despite my pinning for this goal, one thing has stood in my way twice now and it is an exam called the MCAT (CRY). Twice, I have tried, and twice I have not been my best because I refuse to use the word failed. Each time after seeing my result, I have broken down in uncontrollable tears, gone days thinking I am not enough and on other days I was ready to throw in the towel
Funny enough till this moment that I am typing, I still have not thrown in the towel in fact, I have gone harder.
So do I know how it feels to have a passion? Yes. Do I know how it feels to be shot down time and time again? Yes. Most importantly I know about that fire in your belly that refuses to burn out.
Life might make it look impossible but that should not stop you from dreaming, it should not stop you from talking about it, it should not stop you from planning towards it, and it definitely should not stop it from being your passion.
Like the good book says in Habakkuk 2:3 “For the vision is yet for an appointed time; But at the end, it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry. “
This verse has carried me through the bumpy roads that lead to medical school
I hope that I have been able to rekindle that fire in your belly and that I have provided you with that little push you needed. 

Drowning or Drifting

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Hi guys,
Welcome to another glorious week with your lady [MOI]. 😂 I just wanted to try out a corny intro.
You have a gorgeous smile, you are so understanding, you have it all together; well these are all comments I have heard at one point or another and I am here to admit to all those whoever said this; My life is as imperfect as imperfect goes but I get why you feel otherwise.
Growing up I always had this image of a strong woman in my head, she always had her head held on high, no one saw her breakdown, she was always with a smile on her face and most importantly she was always willing to help others carry their burden even when hers was crushing. This image as toxic as it looks worked for me, I became the one person who no matter how bad you hurt me I understood, I rarely broke down, I smiled through it all with the hopes that my smile will somehow deceive my pain and troubles to go away oh I was so wrong.
I found myself sometimes just staring into space completely numb and I constantly felt overwhelmed but never could point out why there were days when all I could do was cry and I just never wanted to get out of bed. At first, I thought these were signs of depression but now I know that I was simply unhappy.
 Well, about two years ago my strong woman persona failed me 🙆😨. I was going through so much and felt completely defeated but rather than let others see vulnerable me or even allow myself feel my pain, I poured myself into work hoping it will chase my blues away [This will make for a good song ] but every time I got back to bed all I could feel was emptiness.
A good number of friends called, and the conversation always went this way
Friend: How are you, I haven’t heard from you?
Me: I am good, just busy
Friend: Do you need to talk?
Me: Nah, I am doing great [Then completely change the topic]
Sorry friends, I know you are reading this
Somedays I caught myself slipping and could feel my humanity trying to break through but it was only for a moment. I was drowning, yet I kept deceiving myself that I was only drifting and that I would sooner or later get to shore.
I still struggle with my idea of what a strong woman is, and I still have so much healing to do but that healing did not start until I truly made myself vulnerable. On that day my humanity finally won the battle as I ended up in a bathroom stall seating on the floor [ God bless the custodians for keeping it clean] and crying my eyes out to a friend.
So, to my fellow strong women and men, I am here to tell you that being strong does not mean you are made of stone instead, being strong is the truest vulnerability there is.
I leave you with this quote “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness” – Brené Brown

Everyone but Me!!!

 Hi guys, welcome to another week. I am so excited to share this as I believe it is the reality of most if not all of us, although we try to deny it or even ignore it till it goes away. 

So, this past year, a lot of my personal friends got engaged, married and some found a forever boo YIPEE!!! Yet as happy as I was for them, they were times when I thought when will mine happen? I had even gotten to a point where I had convinced myself that I did not desire companionship in any way, shape or form. I began to use the failures of my past relationship as a valid reason why I should give up all fantasy about love but despite all the tactics I used I still desired to be a part of that lovely companionship I saw my friends buy into. 

Once I discovered that this desire was not going anywhere, I decided to prepare. 

What do I know I am preparing for? how do you prepare? Well, these questions also crossed my mind but then I remembered that If you fail to plan then you plan to fail. 

I decided to get myself in position by preparing and what better way to prepare than, to begin with, prayers. I spoke to God about my desire and let him know what I wanted 

Like 6 ft tall, black chocolate, pink lips, sense of humor 😂😂 just joking (although I would not mind). I spoke to God about the things I desired in a partner that aligned with my values (spiritual, personal and emotional) and after this, I had to have a candid conversation with myself. I asked myself “if this man showed up at my doorstep right now, will I be ready?” Brethren the answer was a resounding NO, and this helped me identify areas in my life that I needed to work on to ensure that I do not end up shortchanging future bae. 

How does this apply to me, I don’t care for marriage, I am already married, I am engaged? You might ask. Well, this drawn-out scenario does not only apply to one’s desire for a relationship, but it also applies to our desires in general. 

Ask yourself honestly, if those things you are desperately looking forward to appears at your doorstep now will you be ready? If your answer is NO like mine was, probe further and discover why. Is it a character flaw that needs to be checked, Is it a manner of approach that needs to be redesigned, is it courses you need to take to make you more competitive, is it your companions you need to change, whatever it might be, Identification is the first step. 

Once you can identify it, you can begin working on it thus preparing yourself better for that blessing. Most importantly, as you prepare for whatever you desire do not make the mistake of taking out the GOD factor, the bible says “I planted the seed in your hearts, Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow” 1 Corinthians 3:6 (NLT)

So, you can prepare as much as you can but the only way to get the best not just an ordinary blessing is by placing it in the hands of God. 

Till we see again