Imposter Syndrome

Impostor Syndrome is a pervasive feeling of self-doubt, insecurity, or fraudulence despite often overwhelming evidence to the contrary (Ellen Hendriksen, 2015)
How many people experience imposter syndrome, well more than you can imagine. It is a feeling I have come to realize tends to increase the more successful you become especially if you are increasing in the ranks in an environment where you are considered different e.g. a young black woman in a field that caters to men predominantly. 
Over the past few years, I can say that with every achievement I have experienced there has always been the question at the back of my mind whispering " Am I good enough" or "was it just luck" and this question always seemed to answer itself whenever I had what I considered a failure. I have struggled with this feeling more in the past few months, being surrounded by so many brilliant people that most times I just feel like the dumbest person in the room and I constantly doubt if I can survive in this field despite continuous praise and reassurance from those around me. This feeling of inadequacy made me feel like a fraud 🙇. 

"The feeling of just not being enough "

This has led me to study more about the imposter syndrome and I have come to realize that so many people face this as it does not discriminate although minorities and women are the hardest-hit ( 😳 well, I am both).
I'll give a quick example of this. About a month ago I was scheduled to present at a lab meeting and I was so hyped at first but as the day came closer I went into panic mode thinking to myself that I was about to completely disgrace my whole generations past and future 🙆, I thought of calling out that I was sick but then my goody two shoes self decided against that and I spent the next week preparing like I was going to war. On the day of the presentation, I realized it was too late to be sick and had no choice but to forge ahead. I went into the conference room, gave my presentation and decided that I had just disgraced my whole generation until each person in the room began to validate my presentation. Funny thing is that even with all the positive reviews I still felt like they were all just patronizing me.
Well if you felt this post was to provide you with a cure, sorry to disappoint as I am still actively searching for one. Instead this post is to let you know that you are definitely not alone in this and I believe we need to start taking it easy on ourselves as in reality no one really has it all together. 
Leave a comment of the last time you felt this way, or how you have been able to overcome this feeling. I look forward to hearing back.

Song of the Month 😀:  So will I (Hillsong Worship)
https://youtu.be/GfVd5x9W1Xc

My Past = My Future?

Coming into the new year a lot of us are always actively thinking of a way to reinvent ourselves but more times than can be recounted a lot of us also give up along the way because it just seems like our past will continue to define who we can be.

While actively thinking of this on a short walk the following question came to mind:

Is my future set in stone based on my past/ genealogy?

Well like most of us I certainly hope not.

One of the answers that popped up in my head is from a crime series I love love “Criminal minds” 😍😍.

In the show we are presented two individuals named Hotchner and Foyet. Both men were abused by their fathers at a younger age and both held some resentment towards their fathers because of this, yet they both turned out completely different. 

Hotchner grew up to become an attorney who was always working for the good guys but as years progressed he decided to do more by joining the Behavioral Analysis Unit according to him the reasoning behind this was for him to get the bad guys before they were able to do so much harm. Hotchner turned out to be a great father, always dotting on his son and even putting his life and eventually his job on the line for his son’s safety. 

The next case study is Foyet, he had the same trauma in his childhood like Hotchner and grew up using this trauma as a crutch for why he became a serial killer stating that his rationale for killing women was because his mother was too weak to protect him from the abuse of his father.

Hotchner was proof that the past does not write the future unless we let it.

Reeling it in a bit let’s look at Jesus himself, if we study his genealogy as shown in Matthew 1: 1- 17, we see a very diverse array of ancestors with different backstories. We have Rahab (the prostitute), Ruth ( the non-Jewish Moabite), and David(The adulterer) Whew!😳😱😱 If genealogy was a predictor of the future well Jesus did not stand a chance but yet He not only stood a chance but He did great and wonderful exploits, the greatest being that He showed us just how much God loved us. 

So to you who might already be thinking what is the point, no one in my family has ever made it or my past is just too nasty for me to turn a new leaf, well this is a call for you to throw those beliefs down the drain and begin working to be better.

Image from: educating4life.wordpress.com

Just because our past does not determine our future does not mean we won’t still have to face the consequences of our action though. For example, if Mr A murders Mr B and is sentenced to death, turning a new leaf is no guarantee that Mr A would be taken off death row but it is a guarantee that Mr A would live a better life that might even reach out to a lost person he meets in prison. 

Yes, consequences can be difficult to deal with but still do not let that keep you from becoming a better version of you 

Verse of the day: Psalm 143:8 

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

    for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

    for to you I entrust my life.”

Seasons's greetings

Happy Happy New Year to my wonderful, avid readers. Wishing you all that is beautiful, productive, enlightening, restoring and joyful in this new year.

Do ensure to stick with us in 2019 and God willing there'll always be something uplifting waiting for you.

Love,

Serifat Adebola

REFLECTIONS

Photo by @sericoco_s.blog

December 🎄has always been a time of reflection for me, a moment to take in the past eleven months and evaluate all my actions and inactions, my highs and my lows and most importantly a moment to lay out what I could do better. This is not always an easy thing to do because sometimes, the lady that stares back at me has not been the best she could have been and facing that truth is what determines if I will grow or not.
Reflecting on the past eleven months of 2018, ushers in a whole lot of emotions. The past months have been teaching moments, I have learnt a few things about myself as an individual. Some, I am extremely proud of but others make me hang my head in shame. Yet, there was one key factor that pulled me through and it was the reminder that my circumstances do not define me.
I will like to dedicate this post to the better me I know I can be, and also to the better you that I know you can be. Do not be ashamed to stare back at yourself, do not let those mistakes no matter how grievous limit you, and never let go of faith that is the one key factor that I know has helped me over the past twenty - something years of my life 😉😉.
Reflecting also brings to my notice the things I am yet to achieve, just like me, a lot of us we stepped into the year 2018 with a list of desires even if some of us especially me never made a new year resolution 😶 and looking back now we find that we were unable to tick off all on our 2018 want list. I encourage you to not be devastated because if you truly look back in an in-depth manner you will discover there were also a lot of things you did not plan for but they made your year 2018 great. All in all people like a great saying says "Never let the success get to your head, and never let the failures get to your heart"
Another beautiful thing about December is that it is a time for me to not only reflect but a time to be grateful like the Good Book says " Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus" - 1 Thessalonians 5:18

It Costs Nothing To Be Nice

So I woke up this morning and literally struggled out of bed, I was not feeling like myself but knew I had to be at work to begin a few projects. I struggled to do all the necessities before stepping out. Once I was ready I called an uber and when the Uber driver arrived I stepped out. The first thing I noticed when I got in was that he smiled when I said my name [ I always do this to ensure i am in the right vehicle], a few seconds later handed me a notebook where he wrote:

"Good Morning Hope you had a lovely night?
Merry Christmas and a Happy New year in Advance"

This encounter might not be the most unique thing but the one  thing that stood out to me was his gesture, one he has probably repeated so many times but never saw as him doing something unique but I realized that he went an extra mile to make me his rider feel comfortable, this was not something he had to do but something he chose to do. Just him going that extra mile made me shake the blues away. I for one know that when I'm stressed I tend to take it out on everyone by retreating into silence but then as this year is running to an end I want to be a thermostat not a thermometer. 😂😂 I probably lost you there for a bit, do not worry I will explain. I read a book a few months back (cannot remember the title 😕) and it described both instruments. It referred to a thermometer as an equipment that tells you the temperature in the room so as a thermometer my circumstances determines my reactions and mood but then a thermostat adjusts the temperature of the room which means that my circumstances do not determine my reaction or my mood. So there you have it, my early morning thought. I implore us all to strive to be a thermostat not a thermometer and be nice to all even those who hurt you.After reading what was passed to me, it immediately dawned on me that he was deaf and could not speak. At that moment I let his smile wash over me and I smiled back. A lot of us, myself included are never that nice we tend to use our current situation or emotion as a predictor of how we should act to others including those who have nothing to do with what happened to us.

Bible Verse for the day: "But let the righteous be glad; let them exult before God; Yes, let them rejoice with gladness" - Psalm 68:3

RAPE Culture

Today's post is coming from a rather emotional place. Waking up this morning and scrolling through the daily news highlights just to catch a glimpse of the activities around me and I was greeted by one of the most disturbing news headline " 8-month-old girl raped by 28-year-old cousin in Delhi".
This begs the questions are victims of rape still responsible for getting raped? What exactly could an 8-month-old girl have done to entice a 28-year-old man? Did she dress or speak provacatively?
This has got to be one of the most sickening thing I have had the opportunity to read but then it made me start thinking of our world today and how we treat rape. It seems to me that we are so rooted deep in the rape culture a term that is used to describe a setting in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes.
A lot of our societal members have begun to treat rape as an unserious issue trivializing its effects with use of imagery, making rape jokes, and even going ahead to normalize male/ female sexual violence.
This rape culture has promoted

• Victim blaming- Most rape stories I come across, you always find people who want to know what the lady was wearing, what she did to provoke her rapist or why she was at a certain location. All these questions have made a lot of rapist think they also have a right being that "She deserved it", THIS IS BOTH SICKENING AND UNBELIEVABLE. How does one deserve to be violated, how does she deserve to have life as she knows it turned upside down, how does she deserve to continually live with the stigma that one man's uncontrollable urge has brought up upon her?
• Teaching women on how not to get raped- The idea that it is left to you not to get raped instead of emphasizing that rape is unacceptable. 
• Refusing to take rape allegations seriously- It is sad that statistically the amount of rape incidence reported and the amount that are actually investigated are drastically different. I know this has also been influenced by false rape allegations but then why should the true victims suffer for the misdeed of a few others

The presence of this rape culture has increased the amount of victims dying in silence as the society itself has refused to acknowledge the damage of rape. 

The society as a whole needs to revisit and redefine their stance with rape as their nonchalant attitude has caused many their lives, their future, their relationships, their confidence and to some their sanity. We have to stop promoting ideas that male sexuality violence is normal because they are sexual beings and start preaching that rape in any shape or form is unacceptable. We have to stand up and go against victim blaming and slut shaming  and ensure that RAPISTS are blamed for their involvement.  We have to begin to educate our young men that RAPE is wrong and we have to begin to take rape reports as serious as we take terrorist threats. 

Are women the only ones that get raped? No, MEN also get raped but due to the societal views that a man is MACHO most men die in silence and end up being repeated victims.

I charge us all to begin  a new wave of change in our little places of authority, your home, your school, in the midst of friends, or even in the office. Let us all stand as one voice and proclaim that RAPE is an unacceptable barbaric behaviour that NEEDS to STOP.

IDENTITY CRISES

A lot of us including myself have never imagined experiencing identity crises, I always thought my personality was set in stone but boy was I proved sooo wrong this past year. Let us start all over what exactly is identity crisis, according to Webster's New World dictionary

it is a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person's sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.

My experience this last year was no joke, it was a rather excruciating moment filled with days of realization, days of doubt, days I was ready to take on the world and other days I did not want to get out of bed. It was a whole season of silent tears but a brave face. I became unsure of myself doubting my ability to do the most elementary tasks and all these doubts creeped into every area of my life, my physical, my spiritual, and my emotional. But this period of identity crisis was my fork-road to self-realization , it was a golden opportunity for me to really look in and recognize who I was, my strengths and my weakness.
Identity crisis can sometimes be triggered by a minor change, such as seeing an hero in a different light, loss of family or friend or even an added year. Mine began with a loss, at that moment I saw myself in a different light, I saw things about myself that needed change, I saw things about others that made me question my judgement, I doubted everything that defined me and this went on for a long while.  The one sure mistake I made and would rectify if I could go back in time, is that I kept it all in and did not talk to anyone about what I was going through until one night when I decided to converse with just one person "God".
It was a drafty night and as usual I was unable to sleep, this had happened for about two weeks straight, my bible was right by my bed and I must tell you before this night I had tried several ways to talk to God but nothing felt as right as this moment when I saw my bible and remembered Psalm 139 which had helped me pull through a dark time before.
That night I knew the meaning of groaning because words could not express what I felt, I laid curled up on the floor and groaned to God and for the first time in weeks I slept. I woke up the next morning still gloomy but now I had come to a realization that I had been doing it all wrong. I sat that day and reminded myself of why I had made all my decisions up till now, what had driven me and what had kept me going. This marked the beginning of my road to self-realization, I have not completely figured it all out, I am still processing it but I know that God would in time finalize His work and I would be glad to share it all with you in more depth.
There is no one way in which identity crises develops, It can be linked to doubts about our abilities, religious beliefs, career path, societal role or even political identity. Identity crises shakes the very core of who we have defined ourselves as, but it is left to you to determine what it molds you into.

The only way in which I was able to take control of what my season of crisis would become was to go back to my roots, I went back to the reason I had made certain choices in my life like the choice of religion, my choice of career and even my choice of friends. I went back to God because as the bible passage says "My frame was not hidden from you, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth" - Psalm 139:15.

I hope this has encouraged you to know that you are not the only one in doubt of who you are, but you also have to realize that you can turn your moment of crisis into a wave of self-realization.