ARE WE THERE YET?

Welcome to another season of love. For some people their status has changed from last year and for others it remains the same, regardless of which criteria you fall into my question to you is

'Are you there yet'. 

No, I do not mean marriage 🤣 (Shout out to our married readers), I mean have you gotten to your place of comfort where your situation or the lack of it does not determine how you view yourself. What is she rambling about? I know I know but just humor me and go with my flow. 

So to my avid readers, you definitely know that relationships has been a growing experience for me (Lol another way to say "It has been brutal"). I had always been the type of person to attach certain qualities about myself to tangible things like my brilliance to my grades, my kindness to my presence and stuff like that. So I definitely tied the quality to be loved to being in a relationship therefore when I was not in a relationship, doubts. dropped in and I tried to make myself into someone who I thought was deserving of love 💔. 

This continued for quite a while and looking back this was the only reason why I would have found myself in certain relationships. I was not comfortable in who I was emotionally unless there was someone or something to attach that romantic emotion to. After my last relationship failed, I was just completely done like I seriously started considering becoming a nun not because I felt called to that but because I felt that something was wrong with me, since I kept attracting people who were not good for me. 

In that moment, I fell back on God because he must know something that I do not know right? Well, He did. I discovered that moment that I was looking for something God alone could give me in the arms of others and what was this thing, my IDENTITY. 

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! -I John 3:1

I had read this verse so many times in my life, but this time I really read it. God calls me His child, being hurt does not take that away, being broken does not take that away even the bible says "Nothing can separate us from the love of God".  

Th moment I began walking in my identity that God had called me into, I was more cautious about who I joined myself with, It was either you came with intention or not. I started walking in a greater confidence, where I was no longer trying to fit into anyone's idea of who I was suppose to be instead, I was walking in who God had called me to be. There was no need to rush into a relationship because it had moved from being a NEED to becoming just a desire. A desire that no longer controlled how I saw myself. 

So, I ask again "ARE YOU THERE YET". Have you identified who you are, because unless you do the world will continue to dictate who you should be and the world my dears is fickle, it never likes the same thing all the time. 

 

 

Right Relationships

 

Today's topic is courtesy of bible plans that keep bringing up relationships and the power they have over our lives. 

Growing up, I heard the phrase " Show me your friend, and I will tell you who you are". This phrase was specially equipped to keep me away from people whom society had deemed unfruitful mostly, based on their physical appearance but do these factors tell you all that you need to know about a person?

The idea that physical appearance could tell you all you needed to know about a person was deftly ingrained in me for a sizable period in my life until when I got to high school where I was opportune to meet several people from very diverse backgrounds. It was at this point the schema, I had created for myself in terms of choosing friends fell flat. I met people whose outward appearance exuded humility but their person was in no way humble, likewise I met people who some might consider uncouth yet they had they had a great amount of warmth around them. It was at this point, I recognized that one's outward appearance was deceptive but their character was not. 

This speaks to one of my favorite story in the bible of Abraham leaving his home to a land "God will show him" - Genesis 12:1. First off, I read the bible like I was physically there and this part of the bible made me wonder what will make me leave my home (A place of security) to an unknown place just because I was told to and each time my answer is "SOMETHING EXCEPTIONAL". So, I believe that the only reason why Abraham was willing to take this step was because he knew the character of God especially since he had never seen Him physically. 

Therefore, I encourage you to look beyond the surface and engage with substance (Character) before deciding to build a relationship. Does this mean that the phrase " Show me your friend and i will tell you who you are" does not hold, definitely not, it just means that when choosing our relationships we must ensure to choose the right ones not based on something as fickle as appearance. 

Now let us assume you already knew all these do you know that right relationships goes beyond having the right people in your corner it also means treating others right. So, just as you are choosing your relationships based on people's character, they also have to decide if they want to be in any form of relationship with you based on your character. 

Ask yourself if I was 'X' will I choose myself as a friend/business partner/spouse/colleague/leader?

If your answer is no, then you gotta BE BETTER  

Till we meet again, I drop my pen back in the basket of love {This brings back so much memory}

Different Love

 

Whenever the story of my migration to the United States comes up, the most common question that I get asked is "How did you cope with the culture shock" and my reply always revolves around the same narrative; I never realized I was black until I got to the United States. 

I went to a government highschool boarding house in Lagos, Nigeria so I knew all about being different, not being Miss popular, being the tomboy, and trying to get good grades in a class of over 100 students but even in the midst of all this, I was still seen as an individual, a unique entity, a being with a name. 

All of this was lost in the US, I no longer represented myself rather I now represented a race and an entire continent. My actions and achievements were seen only from the lens of my skin color first and then my continent, sometimes my country but never as myself. 

This realization, although harsh at first never less became my daily reality and to date, I am still astounded by the segregation that something as simple as my skin color can cause. Astounded, yes but not shocked. Segregation no matter how we try to refurbish and make it look new has always been alive ever since the days of old. The Jews in the biblical days segregated themselves from the Gentiles just because they were not circumcised and when Christ declared that He had come for the Jews and Gentiles alike, it shocked many Jewish leaders that they said within themselves "This guy must not be the real deal". Moving forward in time and to my country, segregation is not based on your skin color but based on all other things like your finances, or even your religion. 

Since segregation seems to be as old as time, does this mean it is right and can never be eradicated? It might seem so with the way a lot of us push the "We against them narrative" but a thing to note is that segregation is not a natural occurrence, rather it is a man-made influence, one that comes to life the moment we say " They are different from us and should therefore not enjoy what we have access to" 

What can I do you ask, I am just one Man/Woman/Child? Well, I do not expect you to march on the Capitol as it so happened on the 6th of January rather I want you to recognize that it begins with your heart, it begins once you see all as worthy of your love ❤️ and once you choose to no longer be afraid. Behind every story of segregation is not power but rather fear. So what are you afraid of?

I know this might seem I am just trying to be ignorant of the suffering that segregation causes on those determined to be the minority but I am not. There are several days that I fear for the life of my unborn black kids. I know that freedom is a war that must be fought for but I also realize that we choose how that war will be fought, do we fight it with the same fear that began it all, or do we fight it with love? Love teaches us that "Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly" -Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Love teaches us acceptance.

In this year 2021, Let us try to step out in love for all especially for those we regard as different. When the bible said "Love thy neighbor as yourself" it did not specify who your neighbor was. They could be the enemy, yet it calls us to love them. 

In the famous words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. 

"Darkness CANNOT drive out darkness; only light can do that 

   Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that ".

Another trip around the sun

 

Wassup Wassup, how are you all doing? It is so difficult to believe that today is the last day in 2020 (It feels like we went through 2 years in one right!!). Every one of us has had our share of 2020, we all experienced the turmoil, the anxiety, the fear, and for some of us grave loss. 

I started out this year with so much anxiety and fear. Will I ever get into medical school? Am I the weak link in my lab? Will I die alone? All these thoughts went through my mind at least once and then became more pronounced during the COVID-19 lockdown. Looking back now the main driver behind these fears was that I felt 'Alone', I felt that it was up to me to determine my fate, I had a crisis of faith where I questioned it all. During this crisis of faith, I saw so many others gain their faith and I realized that my problem was I was trying so hard to do God's job because I didn't trust God to do it for me. 

I felt I had to help God along, at least the bible says faith without works is dead but we have to realize when we are doing all the work because we have no faith and when we are doing the work as evidence of our faith (Preach 😂😂). This lack of trust in God cost me an extra $400 applying for schools I had no desire to go to, apart from the money (Adulthood 101) it cost me a lot of man-hours and late nights as I tried to balance these extra applications with my obligations at work which made me feel like I was not doing enough on either front, thus leading to impromptu tears 😭, constant migraine and an extra bout of anxiety. Trying to do God's work will only stress you more. 

All these while, I imagine God staring at me like 'Girl what are you doing to yourself, let go and let me' but as per a coconut headed somebody that I am, I kept stretching myself too thin. One day while taking a walk to clear my already muddled mind, I broke down and started praying (well more like talking and complaining) to God, and at that moment, I realized how powerless I truly was and truly let go (very hesitantly). Once I did, I began to delight more in the moments, living each day at a time and worrying less about what I really had no control over.

I have no idea what 2021 will bring, it might be the light at the end of 2020's tunnel or it might be a deeper rabbit hole than 2020 but regardless of what 2021 will be, I choose to let God lead the way (He is more than capable to do that) and all I plan to do is to walk in my faith not out of it. 

Happy New Year all 

When It Rains, It Pours

 

Heyyyy, how you doing 'Wendy William's Voice'. Welcome back to our habitual readers and welcome to our new and hopefully habitual readers in training 🍷.

I usher you into PART II of "Serifat's COVID-19 Adventures"

It has been so long and we have been through so much since last we spoke. We have all pushed through and are still trying to push through a pandemic, some of us have had to deal with political tensions back home (Nigeria, Guinea, Namibia, South Africa, Congo), some have lost family, some have lost friends. Through this experience, I have come to understand how fragile life can be and that at the end it all boils down to how many lives we have touched.

At the beginning of this year, I spoke about my passion and dream of becoming a doctor and the hurdles that I have faced especially the MCAT (inserts flashback and panic attack), well I am here to tell you that "Won't God do it!!). On the 24th of November, I received an email that said

"Dear Serifat,

Congratulations, you have been accepted "

It took a few seconds for me to realize what this meant but the moment I did, I bust into praise because all it took to get here was an extra gap year, 3 MCAT exams and 26 resounding NO'S!! I dare say it took blood 💔and tears💧from me but right when I felt the most helpless, God positioned me for great mentorship, great friendship, and just a wonderful church support.

When I started this journey, I felt that "I can do bad all by myself 😎" completely forgetting that I did not get to where I was alone. It took several bouts of failure for me to realize that I needed help but one thing to note is this; the moment I decided to seek out help and the proper resources, several doors began to open. This is to say that sometimes all it takes for us to move from mediocre to excellence is that one step; Taking that one job, starting that one business, making that one investment, taking that one class, making that one phone call or even as simple as saying that one prayer.

So just like the title of today's talk says "When it rains, it pours", I still have a few interviews lined up and God willing more to come before I get to make a final decision on where I will be spending the rest of my Twenty's.

I leave you with this bible verse that helped me through my anxiety throughout the month of November (Shout out to PWAL) 😀

" being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippians1:6

This story is a testament that you can do anything but most importantly it is a testimony to the power of God. I was asked last week "How were you able to keep going", well I can with the utmost confidence tell you that I DO NOT KNOW. The one thing I do know is that I held on to this dream even when I could not see a way, I held on. 

On a lighter note, I am curious to learn from you about how you have been coping with COVID-19, I definitely added those COVID pounds and I have become more anal about hygiene. Feel free to share in the comments, I just might pick up a new hobby or lifestyle trend from you.

Till next week (Yes, I won't miss our date 😉)

Swipe Right to Date

 

LEON NEAL/GETTY IMAGES

 

The beauty of technology is that everything is at your fingertips, from food to games to maps and even love ❤️ or so they say. Well, one of the things I wanted to be intentional about in the year 2020 was my dating life (Let's not pretend, I did not have one) but then just when I thought to be more serious, COVID happened. At least no one can say I did not try 😼or did I? Well after so many targeted ads on TV throughout summer about all the different dating apps out there, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and give it the old college try. 

Step 1: I downloaded two different dating apps 

Step 2: I forgot all about the app until one late weekend after a romantic movie

Step 3: Worked on my profile and indicated all the things that were important to me [Faith ✙, honesty, communication, all the good stuff]

Step 4: Wait for love to fall into my lap 💏

As I started this journey into the old yet new technology, I realized that love will not just fall into my lap, I had to be an active participant in the process. In my case that included swiping right or left. 

The online dating platform gave me a lot of choices, one that I appreciated but sometimes felt overwhelming. After so many left swipes I realized that online dating might not be my cup of tea [Either that or I was not doing it right]. 

Online dating helped me understand the things that I cherished more at this stage in my journey [Communication and Consistency] and the things I needed to work on [ Communication] to ensure my partner does not feel shortchanged. I take a jab at my social communication skills because most of my established connections like 'Greg who loves his dog' fell off due to my inability to keep up with communication especially via calls 

All in all, this was a wonderful trial but not one I think is lucrative for me, does this mean you should not give it a try? NO!!

Different strokes for different folks, I have heard of a sizable amount of people who found love on dating apps but we must also realize that a dating app is not a magic wand [Which seems to be what I treated it as]. 

Instead, it is a platform for you to rapidly meet a lot of people and the onus falls on you to put in the work which includes shooting your shot, starting and maintaining communication, and DO NOT string someone along if you know that is not a connection you desire to nurture. 

Instead of going into detail about my experience with online dating, I will instead list my take-aways so far:

• No one is perfect and although we all have our wants they do not necessarily translate to our needs. 
• Yes, actions speak louder than words but when meeting someone for the first time, your words hold more weight. 
• Do not be scared to let your intentions known, this single act ensures that no one wastes their time or gets hurt. If all you want is a "Netflix and Chill mate", do not pretend that you want more just because he/she says they do 
• Do not ghost, be an adult and communicate about why they are not a good fit 
• Even if they just look like images on a screen, they are human so treat them no less than 

A Healthy Relationship with You

Hi Fam and welcome to the family new readers.

I am 100% sure that we have all heard the phrase " Love Yourself" at least once since we started this journey called LIFE (As a scientist I will work with 92% 😉) and for some of us we mentally or outrightly said, " I do love myself so this does not apply". I was also that person 🙄 and it was not until I evaluated what love truly meant that I realized there were things I needed to work on. 

So, what does love truly mean? Well according to the Bible (Yes that's always a reference point 😎)

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:4-7

I had read the verse many times and each time I was always projecting it on how people should love me, not for once did I think that this was also how I should love me. It was not until I heard someone say "Our relationships are a reflection of our relationship with ourselves" WOW!!. That was the first time that the table had been turned for me and also when I realized that I was not loving myself. I was always impatient with myself although I willingly extended patience to others, I kept a record of all my wrongs and never pulled a punch when it came to guilt-tripping myself, you get where I am going right?

Let me tell you this, one of the most important and resourceful relationships you can ever have is the relationship with self. This relationship lays the groundwork for every other relationship in your life, it sets the pace of how you will allow yourself to be treated by others. For example, I was impatient with myself therefore I was never upset when others were impatient with me.

A healthy relationship with yourself goes beyond taking physical care of yourself [spa dates, movie dates, or travel experience], it is truly looking within and becoming aware of ways you can improve your self-relationship and most importantly learning to accept all of you.

Take a moment and evaluate all the points I have made and truthfully answer this question "Do I Love Myself?" 

Till we meet again, do keep this quote in mind from one of my favorite Duchess (can I still call her that 🤔 )

"We just need to be kinder to ourselves. 

If we treated ourselves the way we treated our best friend,

can you imagine how much better off we would be?..." 

-Meghan Markle