Another trip around the sun

 

Wassup Wassup, how are you all doing? It is so difficult to believe that today is the last day in 2020 (It feels like we went through 2 years in one right!!). Every one of us has had our share of 2020, we all experienced the turmoil, the anxiety, the fear, and for some of us grave loss. 

I started out this year with so much anxiety and fear. Will I ever get into medical school? Am I the weak link in my lab? Will I die alone? All these thoughts went through my mind at least once and then became more pronounced during the COVID-19 lockdown. Looking back now the main driver behind these fears was that I felt 'Alone', I felt that it was up to me to determine my fate, I had a crisis of faith where I questioned it all. During this crisis of faith, I saw so many others gain their faith and I realized that my problem was I was trying so hard to do God's job because I didn't trust God to do it for me. 

I felt I had to help God along, at least the bible says faith without works is dead but we have to realize when we are doing all the work because we have no faith and when we are doing the work as evidence of our faith (Preach 😂😂). This lack of trust in God cost me an extra $400 applying for schools I had no desire to go to, apart from the money (Adulthood 101) it cost me a lot of man-hours and late nights as I tried to balance these extra applications with my obligations at work which made me feel like I was not doing enough on either front, thus leading to impromptu tears 😭, constant migraine and an extra bout of anxiety. Trying to do God's work will only stress you more. 

All these while, I imagine God staring at me like 'Girl what are you doing to yourself, let go and let me' but as per a coconut headed somebody that I am, I kept stretching myself too thin. One day while taking a walk to clear my already muddled mind, I broke down and started praying (well more like talking and complaining) to God, and at that moment, I realized how powerless I truly was and truly let go (very hesitantly). Once I did, I began to delight more in the moments, living each day at a time and worrying less about what I really had no control over.

I have no idea what 2021 will bring, it might be the light at the end of 2020's tunnel or it might be a deeper rabbit hole than 2020 but regardless of what 2021 will be, I choose to let God lead the way (He is more than capable to do that) and all I plan to do is to walk in my faith not out of it. 

Happy New Year all