RAPE Culture

Today's post is coming from a rather emotional place. Waking up this morning and scrolling through the daily news highlights just to catch a glimpse of the activities around me and I was greeted by one of the most disturbing news headline " 8-month-old girl raped by 28-year-old cousin in Delhi".
This begs the questions are victims of rape still responsible for getting raped? What exactly could an 8-month-old girl have done to entice a 28-year-old man? Did she dress or speak provacatively?
This has got to be one of the most sickening thing I have had the opportunity to read but then it made me start thinking of our world today and how we treat rape. It seems to me that we are so rooted deep in the rape culture a term that is used to describe a setting in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes.
A lot of our societal members have begun to treat rape as an unserious issue trivializing its effects with use of imagery, making rape jokes, and even going ahead to normalize male/ female sexual violence.
This rape culture has promoted

• Victim blaming- Most rape stories I come across, you always find people who want to know what the lady was wearing, what she did to provoke her rapist or why she was at a certain location. All these questions have made a lot of rapist think they also have a right being that "She deserved it", THIS IS BOTH SICKENING AND UNBELIEVABLE. How does one deserve to be violated, how does she deserve to have life as she knows it turned upside down, how does she deserve to continually live with the stigma that one man's uncontrollable urge has brought up upon her?
• Teaching women on how not to get raped- The idea that it is left to you not to get raped instead of emphasizing that rape is unacceptable. 
• Refusing to take rape allegations seriously- It is sad that statistically the amount of rape incidence reported and the amount that are actually investigated are drastically different. I know this has also been influenced by false rape allegations but then why should the true victims suffer for the misdeed of a few others

The presence of this rape culture has increased the amount of victims dying in silence as the society itself has refused to acknowledge the damage of rape. 

The society as a whole needs to revisit and redefine their stance with rape as their nonchalant attitude has caused many their lives, their future, their relationships, their confidence and to some their sanity. We have to stop promoting ideas that male sexuality violence is normal because they are sexual beings and start preaching that rape in any shape or form is unacceptable. We have to stand up and go against victim blaming and slut shaming  and ensure that RAPISTS are blamed for their involvement.  We have to begin to educate our young men that RAPE is wrong and we have to begin to take rape reports as serious as we take terrorist threats. 

Are women the only ones that get raped? No, MEN also get raped but due to the societal views that a man is MACHO most men die in silence and end up being repeated victims.

I charge us all to begin  a new wave of change in our little places of authority, your home, your school, in the midst of friends, or even in the office. Let us all stand as one voice and proclaim that RAPE is an unacceptable barbaric behaviour that NEEDS to STOP.

IDENTITY CRISES

A lot of us including myself have never imagined experiencing identity crises, I always thought my personality was set in stone but boy was I proved sooo wrong this past year. Let us start all over what exactly is identity crisis, according to Webster's New World dictionary

it is a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person's sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.

My experience this last year was no joke, it was a rather excruciating moment filled with days of realization, days of doubt, days I was ready to take on the world and other days I did not want to get out of bed. It was a whole season of silent tears but a brave face. I became unsure of myself doubting my ability to do the most elementary tasks and all these doubts creeped into every area of my life, my physical, my spiritual, and my emotional. But this period of identity crisis was my fork-road to self-realization , it was a golden opportunity for me to really look in and recognize who I was, my strengths and my weakness.
Identity crisis can sometimes be triggered by a minor change, such as seeing an hero in a different light, loss of family or friend or even an added year. Mine began with a loss, at that moment I saw myself in a different light, I saw things about myself that needed change, I saw things about others that made me question my judgement, I doubted everything that defined me and this went on for a long while.  The one sure mistake I made and would rectify if I could go back in time, is that I kept it all in and did not talk to anyone about what I was going through until one night when I decided to converse with just one person "God".
It was a drafty night and as usual I was unable to sleep, this had happened for about two weeks straight, my bible was right by my bed and I must tell you before this night I had tried several ways to talk to God but nothing felt as right as this moment when I saw my bible and remembered Psalm 139 which had helped me pull through a dark time before.
That night I knew the meaning of groaning because words could not express what I felt, I laid curled up on the floor and groaned to God and for the first time in weeks I slept. I woke up the next morning still gloomy but now I had come to a realization that I had been doing it all wrong. I sat that day and reminded myself of why I had made all my decisions up till now, what had driven me and what had kept me going. This marked the beginning of my road to self-realization, I have not completely figured it all out, I am still processing it but I know that God would in time finalize His work and I would be glad to share it all with you in more depth.
There is no one way in which identity crises develops, It can be linked to doubts about our abilities, religious beliefs, career path, societal role or even political identity. Identity crises shakes the very core of who we have defined ourselves as, but it is left to you to determine what it molds you into.

The only way in which I was able to take control of what my season of crisis would become was to go back to my roots, I went back to the reason I had made certain choices in my life like the choice of religion, my choice of career and even my choice of friends. I went back to God because as the bible passage says "My frame was not hidden from you, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth" - Psalm 139:15.

I hope this has encouraged you to know that you are not the only one in doubt of who you are, but you also have to realize that you can turn your moment of crisis into a wave of self-realization.

Happy New Year

YAAASSSS!!!! We made it into 2018
Some of us started off the year by making a list of things we want to begin, things we want to stop and things we want to improve, those are great goals but let us all be sincere how many of us have actually pulled through with this plan. I'm guessing 2 in every 10 people; Well that should be a wake-up call for us all to begin the year by evaluating the past year plans. We can begin by asking questions such as:

•  Why did I not pull through,
• Where my goals SMART,
• Did the company I keep stop me from pulling through remember "show me your friends and I would tell you who you are"

Once you are able to answer all this sincerely, you are ready to tackle your new year plan heads-on. Note: This does not mean you would be able to strike out everything on your plan, there would be setbacks but remember not to let those setbacks define your year


This year, one of my plan is to Blog as much as I can so I can share my experiences with you, make you realize that we can all impart knowledge and we define how our experiences in life shapes us.
Finally, I am grateful for you all and thank you for being so patient with me and constantly reading my write-ups. Cheers to a wonderful year 2018

"We make a living by what we get,

But we make a life by what we give" 

-Winston Churchill 

Emotional tourists beware!!!

Emotional tourists are those people who are absent in your life for the most part and the moment they realize that you have begun to drift away from them, they pop in with the attention you have been craving. Once they are sure that their tactic was efficient they begin to drift away all over again, this does not happen just once it becomes re-occurring. They are just in your life for constant assurance that they don't need to be emotionally invested for you to stay on, they are there to feed off your emotions to feel the void in their lives.
 Why are they a danger to your emotional health, well because of this on and off again treatment all those moments you are ready to throw in the towel and move on, they hinder you with their sweet and reassuring words thus making it difficult to let go.
How to identify an emotional tourist
Are they only available when you are so done with the relationship?
After being so loving and reassuring do they begin to drift again?
Has this occurrence become a routine in your relationship?
If it is yes to all this, then you are probably attached to an emotional tourist.
Wait!!! Before you all jump to a damaging conclusion an emotional tourist is entirely different from him/ her being busy.
As we all know life can get in the way sometimes, so evaluate if they have a good reason for being distant not radio silent. It might be due to a project deadline, a job that takes most of their time or so on and so forth, this shows that it boils down to communication.

Don't be tagged an emotional tourist
If as mentioned earlier, life gets in the way ensure to let your partner know ahead of time.
Being busy does not mean you become radio silent, make it a duty to at least send a text about your busy day even if you can't call. If you are a forgetful person like me create a reminder for this.
You can never be busy 24/7 in 365 days, so when you have that free time reach out, not with a text as that might lead to brevity but with a phone call that is more time investing than a mere text because even your network provider sends texts time and again.
I am not an expert but trust me it is easy to be tagged an emotional tourist especially when you feed off others to be happy. So I would leave you with this quote

 “If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.”

 Marvin Gaye

Shoutout to the single ladies that were excited about my last post, I was glad about the reception and I am sure that the single season would soon reach its end.
Bible Verse: "My choice is you, God, first and only. And now I find I'm your choice! You set me up with a house and yard. And then you made me your heir!" - Psalm 16:6 (MSG)

Living single

In our current reality it might seem like everyone is dating and enjoying the bliss called love but the question I ask myself sometimes is am I just looking through rose colored glasses or is it all just self pity that makes me see what isn't really there.

Yes it can be pretty hard being single especially when all you see sometimes are cute pictures of couples or epistles that couples write to themselves. It just makes you feel like can the next guy just walk by and I fall in love already but trust me that's what you don't want to do because you might just end up badly burnt and baby girl or boy those scars take a while to heal.
In this single season of mine (yes it is but a season because status would still change ), I have taken it up as a piority to work on myself, repair those nicks that could turn into huge cracks later on, build myself up spiritually and I can go on and on.
As usual I don't have all the answers as this is a path I just began a while ago and I hope to find what I deserve at the long run with God on my side, you might ask so what is the purpose of all my story it's just to let you know wherever you are or whomever you might be that you are not alone everyone at one point faces the single season. My advise is this ENJOY your single season, get to know you,make some changes, start that project you've been putting off and lastly love that creature that is you entirely. If while doing this you fall in love and you are ready by all means go for it and enjoy every second.

For me I'm about to enjoy my winter season (single) with my teddy bears, cups of hot chocolate with marshmallows, hangouts with friends, maybe join a gym (hopefully) and as you know read a lot of books.
Love you guys even though I don't know when next I'll be back here but stay tuned

Years in Life or Life in Years

       Today’s post reminds me of a bible passage that says “With long life I will satisfy thee …” (Psalm 91:16). What exactly does this mean? Long life, does this mean a promise of living up to a thousand years; if yes why do the young die, why do the Godly get bereaved these are questions that cross our mind. I recently read about a Christian woman who was martyred while preaching the word of God does this mean that a promise was broken or that she was not godly enough; I am here to tell you it means neither.

      If I take a survey asking how many years you want to live on earth about 70% of my readers would want to live above the age of 80 because they feel at that point they shall be fulfilled, at that point their dreams must have come to pass just as daily we all ponder on that next step we desire to take, that next action or that next achievement we are pushing towards so also do those people who die on a daily basis make plans. Does this mean we stop making plans and just go with the flow?

I have left two great questions unanswered but with time I hope to clarify it all with my basic knowledge and understanding.

      A lot of us choose to live to our 100’s (Including myself) but have you ever pondered that why do some people live to that age but still remain unfulfilled but yet some people die as early as their 20’s but have left their mark in the world. One must aspire not just to have years in their life but to have life in their years. I recently lost a friend, a very devoted young man with a lot of dreams and aspirations, most of which he had begun. Although most people might view it that he had not reached his peak, it became clear to me that he had enough life in his years no matter how short those years were. He was able to make a difference, he had his spot even if it was not on the Hollywood walk of fame, it was all but stamped in the hearts of those who met him. Whereas some live as long as long can be and never have a fraction of this impact. Why you might ask, the difference between these two persons is purpose.

https://www.google.com/purpose

     Purpose is that which we are to attain in life, that which we are selected for. Do not misquote me based on the above placed scenarios that the younger you die, the more likely that your purpose has been fulfilled no this is not my stand. In days of old several people lived long while still achieving their purpose and making their mark, they had the opportunity of having both years in their life and life in their years. What makes then so different from now is the mindset and characters the new generation have formed. Nowadays, we all tend to just go with the flow, never taking time to actually search and discover our purpose in life; you might tell me but I have aspirations, yes that I know, but are those aspirations your real purpose. I might aspire to be some business personnel on wall street but If that is not my purpose regardless of the perks I receive, satisfaction would always elude me; that is me missing out on the important concept of life in your years.

    

 I know your next question would be, how do I separate my purpose from my aspirations?

• Aspirations could be selfish but your purpose is always selfless, it being selfless does not mean you live like a pauper. No, it simply means that the mindset behind your actions is not to add to you but to make a desirable difference.
• Aspirations may bring about dissatisfaction but your purpose always brings about satisfaction.

How do you discover your purpose?

• Discovering your purpose is not a slam bang kind of operation, it is a process that requires you to seek the face of God (Yes, you know I can never leave Him out of my equation), asking that for what reason did He take such time to mold you and like my favorite Bible passage says “For you formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb (psalm 139:13)”.

     Your journey to fulfilling your purpose is not paved all through with gold, it would bring about some difficulties but the wonderful thing is that all such difficulties would be surpassed.

Backing up to my earlier bible passage (Psalm 91:16), it reveals that we would fill out the measure of our days, and whether we die young or old we would be satisfied with life enough to be ready to leave it because we have achieved all that is needed of us without any other quota to be filled.

My question to you is this are YOU just adding years to your life or are you making sure to add life to your years?

We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths;
In feelings, not in figures on a dial.
We should count time by heart throbs.
He most lives who thinks most, feels noblest, acts the best.
Philip James Bailey

Seeing Beyond the Pain

    Hi everyone, i know it has been a long while since i posted but thankfully i am back. I had a lot of drafts put up but after going through them all, they just did not seem right and i had little or no time to get back to the drawing board before now. I missed you all and the opportunity to interact on this wonderful platform.

     Today's topic is one that has been brewing in my mind (since i decided on a title) but because of how close to home it hit over the past week, i have not been able to gather the strength to begin till now. One of the most important feature in our body is our sight, it acts as a light to the entire being, it shows us reality but unfortunately we are unable to use our sight to look away from hurt.
      At one point in our life we each have experienced pain of different forms, it might be pain over a breakup, disappointment, death, illness, or just hitting your leg at the edge of a table(Ouch!!). Physical pain has always been much easier to treat or manage but that heart shattering emotional pain has no definite method of treatment and this has led to a lot of people to drown in its oceans of despair, losing themselves and never getting out of their self-assigned asylum. I am not here to give you a step by step instruction or a list of things that you should expect when grieving as postulated by the psychiatrist Elisabeth KÜbler–Ross who presented the five stages of grief namely: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance because if you have experienced pain you would realize that these steps do not always hold up.

Therefore, what should one really expect, I am here to say I do not know (Shocking) because who am I to tell a mother who loses a child, or a spouse who discovers their partner of many years isn’t who they thought they were, or a friend who is betrayed or even a person who always fails at every turn, who am I to tell them what to feel or expect as it is not science or a math problem that can be solved and dismissed.

            You might be wondering, what exactly are you here to do? I am only here to tell you things that have been a form of solace to me and assure you that no matter the storm or grief there is a way to see beyond its overwhelming hurt and find peace.

            When we are hit by a form of grief, our defense mechanisms come into play they try to make us isolate ourselves and push others away; We choose this isolation over being comforted because we do not want to relieve our pain many times over but this is a wrong way to handle pain. Isolation leaves you more vulnerable, pushes you deeper into sorrow and might end up in depression. Therefore, no matter how hard it might seem, yes you can take a day off from the outside world but don’t make it a habit. Find someone to talk to, a friend, a colleague, a parent, a sibling just someone and sometimes it is even better to talk to someone going through the same pain or someone who has once been in your shoes, this way you both can act as comforters to one another.

            Cry!!! Yes, I really said that, we all always want to seem strong especially in our times of travails but by bottling it all up we really do more harm than good. Tears never make us seem weak, they are a very healthy way to relieve pain not just the physical ones but also the heartaches. I am proud to say I have shed a lot of tears even for things others might find to be minor but guess what I shed them, they did not miraculously make everything fine (not by a long shot) but I felt peace as I shed them, not because I thought at the end all would be well most times the issue still remained but that has not stopped me from shedding tears. So I implore you do not bottle all those hurt in, let them out because making them compound is very dangerous because those emotions you think little or nothing of have led a lot of people to the brink of suicide.

            Beyond the pain: This entails you cherishing the good memories, the greater purpose, a way of improvement and a way to grow. Due to the intensity of pain that we face most of the times our sight only lets us see what is wrong, or what hurt us and blocks out all that was right. My first reaction to a loss the past week was to imagine several ways it could have been prevented but the problem with this method was that it kept bringing me back to the pain, it kept hurting all over again till I began to remember all that was right, the laughter, the jokes, and the faith I gained. All these positives came from what others might regard as a negative. By doing this I began to appreciate more, not brood more; No this did not make the situation seem less painful but it did let me come to accept it.

            Finally, the healing, I would be taking this scripturally and keep me out because I am yet to attain this. Healing does not have a standard time, people heal at different rates and in different ways and no healing does not necessarily depend on how close you are to the situation. The greatest advice I could ever give you is this: Do not rush through the healing process, because rushing through (Pause! take a moment to imagine someone rushing through a bowl of cold ice-cream - Yikes) might cause more damage than good.

In this moment, where I am going through my own pain I have chosen to turn to God as my source of healing because “He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds – psalm 147:3”.

As I said seeing beyond the pain is not something that comes with a manual, it has no definitive steps because we all are unique therefore what works for me does not necessarily bring a permanent solution to you but it can serve as a form of solace that you are not alone and that this pain is not the end of all things good.

   I dedicate this blog post to a friend that looked good always, because he always smiled and made everyone feel accepted and loved. Some say it was too soon but I choose to accept that it was a chosen time because you were born to bring faith and fulfillment for such a time as this. See you in Glory Love (Emmanuel Oluwaseun Ojo).

   I leave you all with this verse that has served as my personal solace for the past week; Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

" To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: 

A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance”